The psychic self-control that is desirable in these surroundings and in the midst of discussion would mean among other things:
1. Not to allow the impulse of speech to assert itself too much or say anything without reflection, but to speak always with a conscious control and only what is necessary and helpful.
2. To avoid all debate, dispute or too animated discussion and simply say what has to be said and leave it there. There should also be no insistence that you are right and the others wrong, but what is said should only be thrown in as a contribution to the consideration of the truth of the matter. I notice that what you report X as having said in this discussion had its truth and what you said was also true, so that really there should have been no dispute.
3. To keep the tone of speech and the wording very quiet and calm and uninsistent.
4. Not to mind at all if others are heated and dispute, but remain quiet and undisturbed and yourself speak only what can help things to be smooth again.
5. If there is gossip about others and harsh criticism (especially about sadhaks), not to join — for these things are helpful in no way and only lower the consciousness from its higher level.
6. To avoid all that would hurt or wound others.
Sri Aurobindo, CWSA Volume 31, Page 87
I have committed all those follies as specified by Sri Aurobindo at some points in life. I have also seen guys fully devoid of them who accomplish this only by the Grace directly working in them. No sole human effort can achieve transformation. Without Her Kripa even aspiration is impossible. One actually never knows till unless the Mother pleases to let him know. We can only pray in our dysfunctional way, for all sorts of prayers are accommodated except the insincere ones.